I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
