sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
