i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
