I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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