she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
