if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
