These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
