Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
