the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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