i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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