No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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