i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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