And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My vagina is officially offended.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
