The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
