I will die if light touches me.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize