I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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