Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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