the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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