So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
