How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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