he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
