my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
