he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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