So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
