can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
