Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
