I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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