god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
