What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
