My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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