You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw a hot homeless man
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
