im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
