I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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