This is not my ceiling
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
