I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
