if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was like getting head from an anaconda
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
