tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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