that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
