Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
