Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
MIDGETS
????
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
