Jerry, you need to find god
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
