Umm I'm too high to move.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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