your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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