dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The air was thick with penises
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Randomize
