Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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