I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
