I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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