my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize