Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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