i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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