I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i will never coherently bang her
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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