Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You have to summon your inner elephant
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
