Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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