is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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