I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
