my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
