I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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