Pappa wants mamma naked
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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