you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Are we still banned from the library?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
