Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
