i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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