I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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