I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize