So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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