made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
