remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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