there was a trapeze. enough said
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize